When we try to convince someone of something, our first instinct is often to speak first and present the other person with facts to prove that we are right. We want to present ourselves intelligently and have the desire to solve a problem. In "Think Again", however, Adam Grant shows us why it is sometimes better to take a completely different approach.
Marie-Hélène Etienne-Rousseau was devastated when she went into labour in September 2018. Her son Tobie was born three months prematurely. At birth, the little boy weighed less than a kilo and his head fitted into his mother's hand. She feared for his life when he was taken to the neonatal intensive care unit.
After months in hospital, as Tobie slowly stabilised, Marie-Hélène continued to worry about him. He was physically fragile and vulnerable. When the nurses tried to persuade Marie-Hélène to have Tobie vaccinated against measles, she refused. She was too afraid for her son and had read several worrying things about vaccinations. She believed that vaccinations could have severe side effects or even cause autism. In addition, most parents in her neighbourhood had not had their children vaccinated against measles.
How would you have convinced Marie-Hélène to have Tobie vaccinated? Would you have shown her statistics showing that 20 million lives have been saved by measles vaccinations in the last two decades? Or would you have shown her scientific studies proving that vaccinations are not linked to autism? Would you have explained to her that the side effects of vaccines are generally harmless?
We can rarely motivate someone else to change. It is better if we help them to find the motivation themselves.
The psychological immune system
Governments take different approaches to vaccination policy. Some have tried to take punitive measures: Unvaccinated children may not be allowed to attend schools, fines of up to €1000 may be imposed, and during the Corona pandemic, unvaccinated people may have been denied entry to certain countries. When this has not been successful, some governments have tried to persuade people through education about the benefits and effects of vaccines. But the results were often disappointing.
Experiments in both Germany and the US found that unvaccinated people remained even more adamant in their opposition after being presented with research reports on vaccine safety. This shows that information that is not in line with our beliefs often reinforces them. The act of resistance strengthens our psychological immune system as we feel attacked. When Marie-Hélène was bombarded with facts and statistics by the nurses, she felt as if she was being accused of being a bad mother and wanting her child to get sick.
The power of listening
In order to get others to reconsider their points of view, it is crucial to listen honestly and empathetically. Rather than prescribing what the person should do or what would be reasonable, it is important to understand what moves the person and the background to their beliefs. In doing so, we should remain humble and curious.
By doing this, we help others to break out of cycles of overconfidence and question their own beliefs and behaviours. It is about awakening curiosity about alternative points of view. However, bombarding someone with our opinions, facts or lecturing remarks will prevent this from happening.
It starts with showing more interest in the interests of others instead of trying to prove our status.
-Adam Grant
Motivational interviewing
Shortly before Marie-Hélène set off for home, she met Arnaud Gagneur, an expert in motivational interviewing. Arnaud adopted an approach of humility and curiosity and made it his goal to understand Marie-Hélène rather than tell her what to do.
Arnaud's motivational interviewing technique included:
Open, honestly interested questions
Reflective, empathic listening
Confirmation of the other person's ability to change
He approached Marie-Hélène and expressed his concern about Tobie's health in the event of her contracting measles. But he didn't judge her or ask her to change anything. Instead, he wanted to understand her motivations and asked her about her decision. He asked her open questions for over an hour and finally admitted that there was a lot of contradictory information about vaccinations. Marie-Hélène had a free choice and he trusted that she would make a good decision. The following quote in particular would remain in Marie-Hélène's memory for a long time.
Whether you decide in favour of or against vaccinations, I respect your decision as that of a person who wants the best for their children.
Defeat your inner logic tyrant!
When we try to convince someone, we often tend to appear confident and present facts that support our position. We strive to demonstrate our intellect and solve problems - a behaviour that Adam Grant calls the "correction reflex".
An excellent communicator, on the other hand, suppresses this reflex and makes the dialogue partner feel intelligent. They listen with curiosity and humility, show genuine interest in the other person and give them their full attention. This is because people often need compassion and not logical solutions. This appreciation will make the other person feel respected, open up and possibly reconsider their own views.
The magic of Inverse Charisma
Marie-Hélène finally decided to have Tobie vaccinated after all. This decision was not imposed on her from outside. Rather, she had questioned her own convictions and acted of her own free will. Arnaud had treated her with respect and taken her fears and concerns seriously. He didn't impose his opinion, didn't try to convince her with facts or talk her into it. Instead, he simply listened, showed respect, understanding and attention and followed the principles of motivational interviewing.
What can we learn for everyday life?
The next time your wife tells you about her stressful day or a work colleague talks about their relationship problems during their lunch break, resist the first impulse to add your two cents or give advice. Instead, listen carefully, show respect and understanding and explore the other person's motives. Sometimes someone just needs someone to listen and show understanding without immediately coming up with solutions.
For more tips on effective communication and motivational interviewing, I recommend the book 'Think Again' by Adam Grant. It presents valuable lessons that can help you to conduct conversations in a positive and constructive way, but also to bring about positive changes in your mindset.
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